#y’all underestimated how fucked up the Ravens were

[overallsonfrogs]

TSC made me feel a lot of thing, but one of them was definitely vindication over this

hey remember when everyone was like "omg the Ravens only did 16 hour days on holidays, are you guys fucking dumb"

lo and behold you assholes

[coweggomelet]

volume 5

im so sad please do funny things

i know what’s coming though so

i’ll be crying while i laugh

- i love how qrow walks he looks like he has back problems

- oooo pretty waterfall

- ruby gushing over weapons is my favorite thing

- ahahaaaa frozen background gays that’s representation babey

- oh shit he just wanted to finish the job and go home 😢

- wait are all the academy headmasters characters from the wizard of oz? like ironwood is the tin man, lionheart is the cowardly lion, oz is...oz. who’s the headmaster of shade? the scarecrow? dorothy? i am 100% sure that people have already connected these dots but that just occurred to me

- oh ilia you poor little lesbian

- ahahahaaaa qrow “i did it!”

-uggghh the new intro i need my babies to be back together

- ew watts don’t smile with your teeth like that it’s creepy

- oh yeah cinder can talk now! gimme that fun ominous banter-y dialogue pleeeaase

- floating islands babeeeyyy

- ooooh i love this pilot! he’s so nice and funny and he works well with weiss. so sad he dies in a couple minutes

- adam you are such an asshole siena was SO COOL

- AAAHHHHH he’s got dad reading glasses!! i love ghira

- i would DIE i would lay down my little life for oscar and ruby the BABIES

- fuck yeah yang!! you stand up to her!!

- WE GOT TWO OUT OF FOUR GANG TWO OUT OF FOUR

- awww hugs

- of course you’re more scared than you've ever been, oscar, you are a CHILD who worked on a farm!! it’s okay to be scared!! it’s okay to have to adjust!!

- SHE SURE IS REMARKABLE OZPIN

- uh oh ilia doesn’t wanna kill blake i smell a gay

- hehehe awkward backpedal

- ooohhh man the kid... fuck, all those people are just... gone. and we can guess what happened to them, it’s pretty obvious but we’re never told exactly what happened and it’s so sad and scary

- awkward tea time with mom

- ugh raven shut up you SUUUCK

- THREE OUT OF FOUR BABEEEYYY IM GONNA CRY

- they all love each other SO MUCH this is ILLEGAL

- yesssss arm wrestleeee

- ooooo the ticking clock is so ominous

- she’s gonna come back, yang, don't worry

- weiss i love youuuu you’ve grown so much i’m so proud!!

- oh ilia you poor thing

- oh boyyyy here we gooooo!! the fake out of the century!!

- mercury. shut up. you’re a good fighter and people underestimate you. but. you’re a kid. and there’s some real big players now. no one’s afraid of you. you’re not that scary.

- god this plan is so goddamn smart. raven wears her helmet. vernal keeps her eyes closed the whole time. so fucking clever. jesus. also?? vernal’s subtle showmanship?? amazing. great detail

- aang??!!?

- i really wanna know how oz hid the vault at beacon. there’s gotta be something about it other than he’s just old and powerful, there’s gotta be some shenanigans there

- god i love this theme it’s so good. casey really just gives it her all every time and i’m so grateful to her

- oh boy the fuckin lobby here we go

- siblings amirite

- boys and girls? really cinder? let’s be more inclusive please

- surprise y’all they’re murder teens sorry you had to find out this way

- fuck i forgot how much jaune’s lil speech hurts. he’s still just so sad and he’s breaking down a little cause he’s so good and can’t understand why or how someone could be so bad. god i love my lil sweet boy he’s breaking my heart

- qrow i think the time has passed for everybody to be cool. cinder’s already talking smack. there’s no going back buddy

- “who are you again?” CINDER ILL STAB YOU. but also… good— good line. absolutely devastating

- emerald’s like “gotta protect my mommy girlfriend”

- shut UP mercury

- siblings amirite part 2

- THATS MY BOOYYY GO OSCAARR

- ooooohhhhh this muuuussiiiicccc

- ope there’s an aura break oh FUCK weiss gets stabbed in this episode doesn’t she and JAUNEY BOY DISCOVERS HIS SEMBLANCE i love him

- AHAHAHAAAA fuck her uuuuppp ruby

- ohhhhh shit here it comes oh god oh no

- god with pyrrha’s spear too. cinder’s really got a taste for dramatics doesn’t she

- oh god and the spear dissolving like pyrrha did i CANT

- when i say i LOST MY SHIT i said no fuckin way they kill weiss right now NO FUCKIN WAY and my friend had the AUDACITY to say “just watch”???? RUDE

- oooohh GET HIM oscar

- HES DOING IT MY SWEET BOY I LOVE YOUUU

- ohhh the tree of knowledge! i just got that

- there’s the grimm elastigirl arm

- SIKE CINDER THERES NO POWER TO TAKE FROM HER YOU JUST KILLED HER FOR NO REASON

- GOD WHAT A REVEAL

- again i lost my shit

- the amount of times i lost my shit and my friend had to tell me to be quiet was… a Lot

- NORRAAAA I LOVE YOUUUU

- oh hazel. can’t wait for your Growth

- THERE SHE IIISSS MY GIRL WHAT AN ENTRANCE BLAKE

- uh oh hazel is disheveled that means he’s unhinged

- oh FUCK yeah blake you’ve LEARNED i’m so proud of all my babieeesss

- WEISS what a power stance!

- THE LOOK they’re so GAY

- ooooo i love this fight it’s maiden vs maiden babey

- poor vernal. she spent the last moment of her life helping a woman who probably manipulated her and used her, and she helped her try to kill someone who didn’t even end up dying. vernal deserved better

- OH HERE WE GO RAVEN ITS YOUR DAUGHTER BITCH AND SHES HAD GROWTH

- oooo get him blake

- ooof the shoulder check. raven she fuckin nailed you on the head and did not hold back and knew EXACTLY what to say and you did EXACTLY what she said you were gonna do— run away. she is SO MUCH better than you and you will never recognize that and that is so heartbreaking

- uh oh the clicky orb thing. you’re gonna die lionheart

- oh emerald my baby. she relied on cinder so much, was so dependent on her, that she was powerful enough to make that in like 8 brains at once. that’s grief babey

- it took them. TWO WHOLE VOLUMES. to all get back together. this is illegal. and also i’m crying

- this is not ALLOWED they can’t look at each other like that my heart can’t take it

- awww qrow’s default really is just taking care of kids. good guy

- i’m always so exhausted at the end of a volume

[xxbyimm]

Lovers - Fíli x reader

Check out my Masterlist!

HAPPY BELATED FÍLI FRIDAY MY LOVES!! I’ve been walking around with this smutty idea for months... I do hope y’all enjoy. xoxo

Lovers - Fíli x reader

Summary: Fíli makes love to you. 

Warnings: SMUT, 18+ fic. If you are not 18, I prefer you not read this. Be warned.

Taglist: @soradragon​ @pistachiozombie​ @legolaslovely​ @tomisbaeholland​ @saviorsong​ @swoopswishsward​ @fizzyxcustard​ @deepestfirefun​ @ruthoakenshield​ @mariannetora​ Furthermore: @sage-willow-raven​ and @daydreamer-in-training​ were ready for some naughty Fíli, so I’m giving you lovelies a tag! If you don’t wish to be tagged anymore, please let me know! Or if you’re not on the list and want to be tagged: check out my lists and I’d like to hear which list you want in on!

The small garret was covered in darkness. The last candles already burned out hours ago, leaving the vague trace of burned wax hanging in the air. Outside the silence reigned, though if you listened closely you could hear distant moans coming from the guestrooms on the floor below. The icy frost had crept through the cracks of the window frame into the small space of the attic, but below the coverlet it was pleasingly warm.

Something smooth moved against his groin, stirring the golden lion in his sleep. He heaved a drowsy sigh, his peaceful dreams turning into something more wicked. Scenes of a young prince playing with his peers gradually morphed into a matured version of him, this time fooling around with you. His body tingled as it remembered the events that had taken place last night.

Especially the way you had felt fucking fantastic around him.

Fíli, the prince of Durin’s folk, awoke. Though he couldn’t have slept more than a few hours, he felt well rested. He groaned softly when you moved in your sleep, pressing your perfectly round bum against him once more. Mahal! He now was definitely awake. You on the other hand, were clearly not aware of your own actions. Your breathing still sounded heavy and your thoughts seemed far, far away.

It didn’t matter though. Dawn must be nearing and he reckoned it wouldn’t take long for the sun to creep into the room to wake you and your pretty physique up from your slumber. And if it didn’t, he’d find a way. By now he knew your curves like the back of his own hand and there were plenty of pleasant options that would have you wake up in an instant.

Fíli smirked, his thoughts shifting to last night. It had begun as it usually did. He had entered the tavern and retreated to his usual spot in the back. From there, he had admired the excellent view as he watched you work. Because your father always kept a watchful eye you didn’t dare to give your favorite patron more attention than the other customers, but when the old goat wasn’t looking lustful glances were thrown across the place. On some occasions you even dared to stop for some polite, small talk when you served the golden prince his ale.

Over the past few months, the more Fíli had watched you and your father interact the lesser he thought of the man. While you were as sweet and innocent as an angel, your father was the complete opposite. He was a harsh guy, a cunning and vile kind who cared more for coin than his own flesh and blood. Once, the prince had heard him complain about how his wife had left him with a worthless daughter who no one wanted, instead of a real heir. The guy didn’t deserve you or the hard work you put yourself through every day, but you wouldn’t hear of it.

So because Fíli couldn’t steal you away from this awful place, he tried to settle with the pleasant knowledge that the bastard was oblivious of the fact that the two of you were far much more acquainted than you were letting on.

For the last few months, Fíli had developed the habit of climbing to the roof after the tavern had closed for the night and slipping through your slightly opened window. You were always there waiting, welcoming the prince in your bed. He had lost count of the times he had made love to you on that old mattress that creaked with every move the two of you made, but he had not forgotten that one moment when you had told him you loved him. At the time he was so taken aback by the sincerity of it that he had murmured something incomprehensive in return, but he had wrecked his brain to find a way to make it up to you ever since.

Truth was, he loved you as much as you loved him, maybe even more. He adored your pretty features, the way you laughed. Though others underestimated you because of your sweet demeanor and small height, Fíli knew that you could be quick as a whip and as sharp as one of his favorite knives. You had a beautiful, bright mind and he could listen for hours to you voicing your thoughts out loud. You were everything he had ever wanted in a woman, but the one chance he had of telling you that, he ruined beyond measure.

‘Fíli…’ you mumbled in your sleep. The prince smiled softly and placed a kiss behind your ear. ‘I’m sorry.’ He confided in you. ‘I don’t mean to be such a… jerk. You just took me by surprise, that’s all…’ You muttered something under your breath, but it was far too soft for Fíli to understand. Nonetheless, the prince perched himself up on his elbow to have better look. Your H/C locks were draped over the pillow, tickling the prince’s arm. Your lips were slightly pouted and the expression on your face was one of utter bliss. The prince could watch you for hours… Had he ever seen someone this beautiful?

Fíli could not resist it. He slowly slid down below the covers, placing delicate kisses down your spine as he went. You sighed, but did not move and the prince smiled against your S/C toned skin. He then continued on his journey south, caressing your lovely ass before he gently nudged you on your back. Your legs parted on their own and the golden lion settled in between them, momentarily admiring his excellent view. His eyes traveled over your core towards your abdomen, the swelling of your breasts and finally your face. You were everything all at once: innocent and endearing, but also a bit wicked and intoxicating as fuck. And you were all his…

The prince bowed down, barely pausing before he lazily dragged his tongue over you. ‘Oh!’ you breathed and Fíli grinned. Then, you quickly succumbed to your silent slumber again. No matter, he hadn’t expected you to wake up just like that, nor did he want you to. There was still plenty of time…

A soft kiss landed on your inner thigh and another one followed closer to your center. With his thumbs, the prince caressed the smooth skin of your thighs before pushing them further apart. You murmured something incomprehensible in return and Fíli glanced up at your sweet face.

Still asleep.

His breath fanned over your core and the golden lion licked his lips. Then he moved down, pressing a light kiss on your core before flicking his tongue over your clitoris with light, teasing strokes.

You reacted with a louder moan now. Fíli groaned against your core and shuffled between your legs to make room for his growing desire. He then moved slightly down, kissing your folds and drawing his mustache braids over you on purpose. It earned him a sharp hiss.

You probably would be embarrassed if he’d ever tell, but your scent was so… You were intoxicating till the point Fíli didn’t know if he could contain himself. If it was his choice to make, the prince would stay between your thighs forever.

Gently, Fíli parted your folds. His tongue dragged all over you in long, slow laps before he stopped at your sensitive nub and sucked on it. With a loud cry, you shot up.

The prince looked up, his blue eyes roaming freely over your body. A sharp jolt went through his abdomen as he watched you in all of your delicious glory. Your voluptuous breasts were begging to be touched, just like the already hardened nipples needed to be enclosed by the warmth of his mouth and the delicate curves of your neck deserved his undivided attention.

Though your body seemed ready for another round of sweet lovemaking, your mind was a bit hazy. Your breath was coming short pants and your eyes still seemed a little far away. ‘Fíli?’ you panted, your fingers reaching out to caress his long, golden manes. ‘What are you…’ ‘Y/N.’ he replied huskily and he couldn’t help grinning foolishly when he saw a blush creeping up your cheeks. ‘Oh, Fíli!’ you stuttered, throwing your head backwards as he still continued teasing you. Your fingers raked through his hair. ‘OH!’

The prince growled against you in return. His tongue stroked your clit in short, intense laps now. Your body started to arch up against him, silently begging for more. His fingers delved into the delicious curves of your thighs. ‘I- I- Ah!’ you breathed. ‘Fíli…’

He knew what you wanted and you wouldn’t have to ask twice. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t antagonize you just a bit more, though. So with the tip of his tongue, he continued dancing around your sensitive nub. It had you writhing above him. ‘Are you sure, love?’ he then purred. ‘Y-Yes.’ You gulped. ‘Please.’

Fíli kissed you one last time before trailing his way upwards. You eased yourself on the creaking mattress again and watched your lover through your lashes. The prince took his sweet time, leaving fond kisses on your stomach and giving both of your nipples a long, hard suck before claiming your mouth.

His lips were hungrily taking in all of you, your passionate moans and sighs spurring him further on. Your hands traveled over the prince’s flat abdomen, following the dark line of hairs towards his groin. Your fingers closed around his shaft and you started pumping up and down his length, earning a strangled groan.

But you were an impatient lass and Fíli chuckled darkly when you moved your hips against him before guiding him towards your entrance. How could he not oblige to your demands? He sank down into you with ease, watching you biting your bottom lip. A rosy color rose on your cheeks. ‘Fí-Fíli…’ you mumbled feverishly, your legs wrapping around him. ‘Love.’ He breathed. ‘I-’

Whatever he had wanted to say got lost as you surged forward and captured him a demanding kiss. The prince started to grind his hips against yours. The bed creaked loudly in rhythm with your joined moves, but neither of you seemed to notice, nor to care. ‘Oh, fuck.’ You moaned, your hips rising to meet his with every thrust. ‘Yes!’

Fíli picked up the pace, pounding harder into you. You were moaning out loud now, fingernails clinging into his back and your legs holding him like a vice. ‘Ah!’ he cried out when he felt your teeth sinking in the skin of his neck. ‘You little vixen!’ A giggle escaped you. ‘Doesn’t that please you, my prince?’ He growled. ‘Very.’ ‘Good.’ You purred, your eyes burning with pure want. ‘I want them to know you’re mine.’ Fíli rose from your embrace and guided your legs over his shoulder. He placed a kiss on your ankle and you mewled.

The two of you were so caught up into each other, that you didn’t notice someone bustling about on the floor below yours. ‘Y/N?!’ your father suddenly called up the stairs. ‘Is that you?’

‘Fuck!’ You hissed. Your eyes widened and you shoved your lover aside before jumping from the bed. A little fazed from the sudden interruption, Fíli sat unmoved. He watched you scrambling your clothes together and hastily putting them on. ‘Quick!’ you urged your prince when you saw he was merely gazing at you. ‘Get your clothes!’

‘Y/N?’ your father asked, a little louder now. The stairs creaked as the man ascended the steps towards the attic.

Fíli jumped up and caught his tunic that you threw his way, followed by his breeches. The prince shoved his feet in his boots and grabbed his coat. He was just about to steal a goodbye kiss, when the door opened.

‘Father!’ you cried out, blushing heavily. ‘This isn’t what it looks like, I-’ The old man’s face was riddled with anger and he eyed the dwarven prince with malice. ‘I knew something was going on, you filthy wench!’ He boomed and you quickly lowered your head. ‘At least you have the audacity to feel ashamed.’

His fist landed on your cheek. The impact of the force so heavy that you lost your balance and jerked backwards, but luckily Fíli reacted just in time to catch you. The prince pushed you behind him before giving your father a terrifying glare. ‘Stand behind me.’ He growled. ‘I will not let this coward manhandle you another time!’ ‘But I-’ you protested, tears streaming down your face. ‘Please don’t hurt him, I-’

Both males ignored your pleas. ‘So you’re the one who is defiling my daughter, dwarf.’ The old goat spat. ‘How long will it take before her belly is heavy from your filthy spawn?’

Your hand sought Fíli’s, but the prince pushed it away and clenched his hands into fists. Though your dad was a tall, broad guy, the golden lion didn’t feel threatened. Years of training by uncle Thorin and Dwalin had taught him well. He could take him.

Fíli’s chest was heaving mechanically as he kept his eyes on the prize. His body tensed, ready to act when called for. Blood roared in his ears.

‘Well?’ your father demanded. ‘Dad, I am-’ you began, but you swallowed the rest of your sentence when your father sent you a deadly glare. ‘If you turn out to be pregnant, I will kill the filthy half breed with my bare hands.’ He vowed, spitting on the ground.

That was it. Fíli surged forward. The first blow landed on the innkeeper’s temple, the second one on his jaw. Your father howled and stumbled backwards. Next, Fíli’s fist punched into his opponent’s chest and belly. After receiving another blow to the chest, your father fell on the floor. Anger pulsed through his blood and the prince moved forward to-

‘Fíli!’ you screeched, gripping the prince by his shoulder. ‘Please, stop!’ He clenched his jaw. Though there this was not nearly enough hurt for all the bad things your father had put you through, the prince knew it was not worth it. Thus, he took a step back. ‘Y/N.’ he rasped. ‘Let’s go.’ You shook your head violently and rushed to your father’s side. ‘I can’t. Father, are you okay?’ Your father watched you with an expression of pure hatred displayed on his face. ‘You are no daughter of mine.’ He hissed as he slapped your hands away. ‘But…’ you began. ‘OUT!’ The innkeeper screamed at you. ‘GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK!’

After rushing down the flights of stairs, through the empty tavern and into the streets of the town, you both ran until you were out of breath. Fíli then grabbed your hand and pulled you into a small alley.

‘Y/N…’ he grinned. ‘What?!’ you huffed, looking absolutely ridiculous with one boot still in your hand and your dress hanging around your shoulders. ‘Y/N.’ he repeated, taking your in his arms and pressing you against the wall. ‘Tell me you’ll marry me.’ Your breath hitched. ‘Fíli?’ ‘How about it?’ ‘You can’t be serious.’ You murmured, avoiding his gaze. ‘Look at the state that I’m in!’ ‘I’m as sure as the ground I’m standing on, lass.’ He assured you, an huge smile adorning his face. ‘Please be my wife.’ ‘Fíli!’ you cried out. ‘Don’t mess with me! I’m in huge trouble, my father-’

His mouth covered yours, kissing you desperately. Your protests slowly changed into throaty moans and a soft thud informed the prince that your boot had escaped your grip. ‘You’re not going to return to that piece of filth.’ he growled against your lips. ‘He doesn’t deserve a soul as pure as yours.’ ‘He’s my dad!’ you managed to protest. ‘What is he going to do without me?!’ ‘I bet he soon will find out.’ The prince chuckled darkly. ‘He never has appreciated you like he should have.’ ‘But the tavern… The patrons… How can I abandon them? What will become of me?’

He had argued with you many times about this, your answer had always been the same. And now even the fact that your dad had sent you away, wasn’t enough to make you realize you were better off without him. It drove Fíli mad.

‘What do I need to do to knock some sense into you?’ the golden lion exasperated, his hands clawing into the seams of your dress. ‘Fuck your brains out? Will that bring you to reason?’ He was met with silence as you merely bit your lip and lowered your head to avoid his penetrating gaze.

The move was enough to snap the golden lion out of his anger. Mahal, losing his temper against the woman he loved, no- wanted to spend his life with, was unacceptable. Fíli wasn’t your dad and he had no intention of becoming anything like that. Disgusted with himself, he let go of your dress and stepped back.

‘I’m sorry.’ He said quietly. ‘I don’t mean to be the second male to disrespect you like that tonight. You don’t deserve that.’ ‘Fíli…’ ‘I know how much you love the tavern and it’s my fault you lost it tonight.’ The prince went on. ‘I will try to reason with that idio- I mean, your father.’ ‘That won’t be necessary.’ You replied, making Fíli look up. There was a mingling of emotions in your eyes, but a firm determination was the dominant one. ‘I am not going back.’ You told him. ‘Y/N.’ he rasped. ‘Are you serious?’ ‘If you promise to fuck me senseless whenever I do change my mind.’

He blinked and stared at you, completely dumbfounded. You smirked and the prince grinned. ‘I promise.’ He purred. ‘Shall we start already? Just to be sure?’

A small nod was enough. His blue eyes burned through yours as he pinned you against the wall and gripped your dress once more before rucking it up to your thighs. ‘People might…’ you began, but you faltered as his fingers delved in your delicate folds. Your eyes fell shut as he rubbed two fingers around your still very sensitive nub. ‘See us?’ He rasped, his hot breath fanning your face. ‘Love, I don’t care. Let them.’ ‘Fíli-’ you whined, eyes falling shut. ‘Yes…’

His hands fumbled with the laces of his trousers before he slid into you again. As he quickened his pace, his fingers grazed over your core and stroked you in all the right places. A sultry moan escaped your lips and Fíli purred in return.

You were a sight to behold. Messy hair, the quickly clad on dress hanging loosely around your shoulders and showing the swelling of your breasts. Your head was resting against the wall behind you, eyes fallen shut and your mouth slightly opened.

It was all too much. Your earlier lovemaking combined with the adrenaline of confronting your father had worked the prince up and he felt himself losing his steady rhythm. Your walls were clenching around him and Fíli growled desperately. His fingers dragged over your clit again and again, making you cry out in agony. ‘Y/N.’ the prince murmured over and over again, sounding much like a litany.

Time slowed. You shattered before him, dragging your lover with you over the edge. The world around you dissolved as Fíli’s pleasure cracked. With a strangled moan, he spilled himself deep inside of you.

You slumped against the wall and the prince nuzzled his face in your neck, softly caressing the sensitive skin. ‘I should have said this sooner.’ He whispered against you. ‘Y/N. I love you.’ You froze. ‘What did you say?’ The golden lion looked up at your gorgeous face and smiled. ‘You heard me. I said that I love you.’ ‘I thought that you…’ you murmured faintly. ‘That I was just a…’ ‘I was a coward.’ Fíli told you. ‘And your honesty took me by surprise.’ ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘No.’ he growled, tearing away from your embrace just to cup your cheeks with his hands. ‘It is me who should apologize, as I did not give you the love you deserve. I am sorry, Y/N.’ You lowered your gaze and blushed. ‘You’re forgiven.’ Fíli grinned. ‘That is….’ You continued, with a mischievous twinkle in your eyes. ‘If you can promise you’ll be on your best behavior as my husband.’ A chuckle escaped him and he moved forward. Lips brushed over one another. ‘That, I can promise…’

Thank you so much for reading my humble story. Feedback is always welcome.  Did you like my work? Spread the love and reblog! :) And here’s my Masterlist.

[first-and-ten]

2017 Week 1 Preview

Welcome to the NFL season. Maybe it can keep your mind off the fact that the world is burning and drowning at the same time and nazis are everywhere and there is a racist sexual predator in charge of America and North Korea didn’t watch War Games as a kid and the bees are disappearing.

Teams on Bye: MIA, TB

KC 24 - 31 NE -- Game to Watch -- I’m choosing to view this as a good thing because one of my least favorite teams has to lose. Some people are pointing out that Andy Reid has a great record when he has more than a week to prep, but y’all, so does Belichick. There is precedent for the Chiefs kicking the living shit out of the Pats, but I don’t see it this time, not on the night where those jackasses get to bathe in their own self-importance and Super Bowl “highlights.”

JAX 20 - 27 HOU -- Lock It Up -- I’m by no means high on the Texans this year, and I don’t fancy their offense against the Jags D. But this is gonna feel like that Gleason game in the Superdome, and the Jaguars are good at fucking things up even when they are not astounding emotional underdogs. JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will both be waiting to make Leonard Fournette’s NFL welcome not so welcoming. Maybe they’ll injure Bortles and Jacksonville will have to start an actual QB... If you can call Chad Henne that...

PHI 30 - 28 WSH -- Game to Watch -- -- Unpopular Opinion -- I spent the last year playing the Eagles on Madden franchise so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit bullish on them. I may forget that in real life they don’t have 2,000-yard rusher and 3-time MVP Melvin Jolly in the backfield, or that Fletcher Cox has yet to be enshrined in the Pre Football Hall of Fame. In fact, Carson Wentz has zero Super Bowl rings, as opposed to the six he has garnered on my xbox! Still, the biggest factor for the Eagles last year was Lane Johnson. Before his injury they were 4-1, after they were like 3-8. That combined with Washington’s lack of pass rush means we might not yet have to worry about whether Philly can run the ball. The reverse is true on the other side: Washington’s stout o-line and the Eagles’ strong front seven cancel each other out, leaving Kirk Cousins throwing into an admittedly patchy secondary with no help from the ground game. I like the rivalry game, and I’ll give it to the up-and-comers.

NYJ 21 - 18 BUF -- Unpopular Opinion -- I know Tyrod Taylor technically cleared the NFL’s concussion protocol, but you can’t convince me he’s at 100%, or that the debut of the Rick Dennison offense in Buffalo won’t be a nightmare. This is exactly the kind of game the Josh McCown Browns would win, and it’s one I think his Jets will too. I just don’t see a lot of movement from Buffalo, whose list of weapons has been whittled down to two.

OAK 24 - 28 TEN -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- Time for Tennessee to Prove It. There’s no defense I would rather go against in a Prove It game than Oakland. I could easily see Marcus Mariota shredding them. If I wasn't a total whip I would be starting him this week in fantasy instead of Aaron Rodgers. Both of these QBs are young and coming off of injuries. I am excited by this. They also have aging runners trying to stave off younger bucks. I think if Marshawn is gonna be good, it’s gonna be early in the season. In the end, despite being outcoached, I think the Titans watch up great against Oakland and extract an important, top-shelf win at home.

BAL 23 - 27 CIN Such a close game I predict and yet I am not too interested in this game. We’ll see if Flacco is better, but anything else this game reveals could easily be a fluke. In the end, Cincy has dominated the Ravens at home for awhile, and I don’t like where Baltimore is at the moment. If the Bengals can find even one small area of leverage, they’ll find the win.

ARI 31 - 21 DET -- Game to Watch -- -- Lock It Up -- Low-key important game featuring two potential NFC Wild Card teams. The difference will be that one is a team and the other is Matt Stafford gunning his way to an exhausted .500+ despite having to max out the potential of the rest of the roster to get there. I think we might see a big game from Larry Fitzgerald. The Lions don’t seem to be set up to cover him.

ATL 26 - 20 CHI -- Survivor -- Some smart people think this is gonna be a tough out for Atlanta, and yet I give them my highest confidence Survivor designation. Am I stupid? Or am I just banking on Julio Jones making quick work of Chicago’s iffy secondary and Mike Glennon coming back to earth after an excellent preseason?

PIT 35 - 20 CLE -- Lock It Up -- Gonna add a name to the Cleveland QB Jersey of Doom! Kizer, your time on the clock starts now. We get a Joe Hayden revenge game in quick turnaround, and unfairly it will come against a Browns team that will be missing #1 overall pick Myles Garrett. That just bites for football in general. This will be LeVeon Bell’s first-ever Week 1 start, thanks to injuries and a league system that still for some reason punishes players for pot use. Who runs this thing, Jeff Sessions? Anyway, Bell might pass 100 yards by halftime. Something to watch, though, is that Roethlisberger historically struggles in Cleveland. I mean not as much as Cleveland’s quarterbacks do, but he does struggle.

IND 12 - 21 LAR -- NFL Title Belt (IND) -- The NFL Title Belt enters the season on inauspicious terms, ready to be wrested from Scott Tolzien’s hands by the Aaron Donald-less Rams defense. I will be shocked if Indy pulls this off, the only reason I don’t have it as a lock is that I don’t trust the Rams as far as I can throw them, or as far as Jared Goff could throw the ball last season without getting intercepted.

SEA 36 - 28 GB -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- I’m fucking excited for this game. You get the Bennett Brothers facing off in the middle of an emotional situation for Michael. You get Sheldon Richardson’s debut. You get Eddie Lacy’s revenge(?). You get the revenge game for the Packers’ stomping that was itself revenge for the NFC title game comeback AND the failed revenge for the Final Mary AND the Fail Mary itself. You get Aaron Rodgers facing an LoB that has no significant injuries for the first time since said NFC title game. Y’all, be pumped. The Seahawks will play passionate because of the Bennett stuff, they will refuse to let GB run, and they will execute their defensive scheme which we know can disrupt Rodgers when it’s done right.

CAR 29 - 27 SF This is a worrisome game, and if it’s SF’s I will be kicking myself. Cam is coming off an injury that lasted all offseason, their secondary sucks, Kyle Shanahan gets to debut his career at home, and the Niners have a weird streak of winning on kickoff weekend. The Panthers have to travel all the way across the country, and on top of that, don’t underestimate the memory of SB50. We saw how pumped the Broncos got playing here in the preseason. But just look at the names of the players and tell me again how San Fran pulls this one off, eh? If nothing else, Christian McCaffrey and Greg Olsen can blow this one open.

NYG 23 - 26 DAL Again? Yo, NFL, stop it with this shit. Look, I want to believe that the Giants will stymie the Cowboys AGAIN and Eli will take advantage of his new weapons and the Cowboys will be exposed, but I don’t think so. Mostly I just dread the coverage of Zeke. Can this just... Not? If Odell doesn’t play I might not even watch, even though it’s the only game today that I’ll be home for.

NO 31 - 27 MIN -- Game to Watch -- The return of Adrian Peterson! Which means he’s good for at least one devastating fumble and at least one run with 5+ broken tackles, along with something stupid he says to the media after the game. This is strength on strength for sure: the Saints offense against the Vikings defense should excite. It may be on the road but the indoor vibe of the Vikings’ stadium is Drew Bree's-Friendly. On the other side, both units have to be improved from last year to make any impact. I like the Saints’ multiple layers of defensive improvement better than the Vikings’ strategy of “throw Dalvin Book at the wall and see if he sticks” so... Whodat!

LAC 16 - 19 DEN -- Game to Watch -- So get this: Not only is this the first game to feature two black head coaches in their debut games, but those coaches GREW UP AS NEIGHBORS IN AURORA COLORADO and then were TEAMMATES ON THE BRONCOS. How on earth does that happen!?!?!? Anyway, usually I would pick a loss for either of these teams since they are new coaches who I don’t honestly have a ton of faith in, but they can’t both lose so I’m kinda gonna go with the It’s Easier To Coach At Home In Denver Than Away At Denver. As you can probably guess, that is one CJ Anderson TD and then four Brandon McManus FGs I have for Denver on the board, not exactly a runaway game. This is a low-key Mike McCoy re-revenge game, as he was stolen from DEN to HC in SD but then had to come back to OC for us after LA showed him the door. I’ll be interested to see how this whole team looks under new coaching, especially since I would at this point consider the Chargers more talented across the board. If we can’t stop the run (like last year) it’ll be tough to squeak one out. I know we have a lot of guys injured up front, but somehow I still like the pieces we’re gonna put out there, and by the time we’re running out of depth the Chargers will be gassed from the altitude. Either way, should be an interesting start (in primetime, no less) to both the Vance Joseph and Anthony Lynn eras.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!